she smelled like a LAN party
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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