I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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