ya dads aren't the best wingmen
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
