I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
