I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
