Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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