when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
