the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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