As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
