WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
