I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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