I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
