I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
