beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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