apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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