the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
