Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
