So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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