So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
