You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
