Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
