when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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