there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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