dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
