sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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