This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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