I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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