Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
