I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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