My room smells like vodka and shame
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
