last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
