I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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