Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
