man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
