After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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