you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
