Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
