I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
