i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
