my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We are all done wearing pants today
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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