She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I need a beard to bite.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
How naked do you want me to be?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
