i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
i now understand why vodka
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
