you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
