i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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