i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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