I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
