I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
