Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
