what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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