Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
